I thought I was fat

As a woman, I've always placed a lot of value into what I weigh and how I look. In the past few years especially I've been doing my best to move away from that, to focus on being healthy and feeling good, but those thoughts creep up for sure. It's my 6 week check in and I've lost 4 more pounds, so basically I still have 18 pounds to go. I started out these 6 weeks by going to the gym and only drinking water, but after week 2 Eli got sick for 2 weeks, then Anias got sick for 2 (make that 5...) weeks, then I got sick for 2 weeks, then Anias got an ear infection and would NOT sleep. He wouldn't fall asleep for 2 hours past bedtime and would wake up for hours. He's actually still doing this and he's still sick. Thursday he had a 101 fever so I took him in to the urgent care and his ear infection in his right ear did not go away. They put him on Augmentin and it just destroys his tummy. He actually vomited 3 times Friday on top of it all. I'm not used to this, although maybe I should be. So anyhow basically I've been sitting on the couch. I feel like I look fairly healthy, but then I see pictures of myself and my instinct is to cringe. Then again...

• When I was 12 the girls at camp told me I could lose some weight by becoming a vegetarian. I thought I was fat.
• When I was 14 my gym teacher suggested I could "lose a few pounds" off of my 120 lb 5'7" frame. I thought I was fat.
• At 18 when I finally got down to 118 lbs I dated a guy who suggested I could "lose the pooch" with some specific exercises. I thought I was fat. 
  
• When I met Josh at 24 I wore a size 2 dress to his sister's wedding and had a diet that consisted mostly of cereal and salad. I thought I was fat. I was wildly malnourished. 
  
• When I got married at 26 I wore a beautiful fitted dress, but I cringed at the photos. I had gained happiness weight and was a whole size 6. I thought I was fat. 
  

Photo credit Amber Beckham

The list goes on and on. In fact, I still cringe at a lot of these pictures even though I know it's not truth. I can tell you how much I weighed at any given point in my life, and yes, at times I was overweight (not in any of the incidents above of course), but you know what? I wasn't less valuable then and I'm not less valuable now. Do I plan on coasting where I am now? No because I feel tired when walking and I miss having energy. Am I less valuable now since I am not at my goal weight? No. Maybe I'll get back in the gym this week. Maybe I'll take my 1-2 tired hours alone and nourish myself in other ways. If I never lose those 18 lbs I still will be worthy of love. I'm not typing this to be defiant to "the man" or to ask others for verification that I'm not fat. I'm typing this to remind myself of this truth. And also- there are so many worse things than being fat. Isn't the point to actually be healthy, not to merely look like someone's idea of what "health" should look like?

In other news we closed on our land! We put in an order for our plans and got a $150-200/square foot estimate from a builder sooooo we're still looking for a good fit. We were shooting for $117/sq ft or less to be honest. Another builder we spoke to has a three month waiting list, but that's not bad. We'll see how and when it all comes together.

We also just did our first consignment sale as a consigner and it was...underwhelming. After supplies we made $45 but we still have 70% of our stuff left. I'm going to put them in another one to see if it goes better because I still have so much winter stuff to get rid of when fall comes around but it was a ton of work for minimal reward. I'm hoping they just didn't get a lot of traction.

For Lent I've decided to have cell free mindful time with my boys every day. It's been going really wonderfully and I never regret it. It's more attainable for me to do this during Lent than my New Year's resolution. I'm not sure why but it's true.

Anias Week 24:

I love being outside and I am such a people person. I love to sit and watch people, and I always have a smile ready for them. I like to squeak and squeal. I throw everything on the floor and like playing with toys. Brother likes to comfort me by singing. He sings the Peg + Cat theme song ("Me plus you, we are two. Eli and Anias") and Sugar Pie Honeybuns.

  Anias Week 25:

I have a favorite blanket that Ms. Karen made for me and I ONLY sleep with that blanket. I am starting to army crawl around. The doctor put me back on Zantac which made mom and dad relieved. I hadn't gained any weight in 3 weeks! I kick my feet when I want something out of reach. I do a new cute thing where I smile at people then hide my face in mom's shoulder before peeking out to see if people are still looking at me. 

Eli:

When mom and dad told me they were going to buy some land to build the New Optimus House (as I have named it), I told them "get the one with the brown nose!" I told mom I wanted to sleep "cold" so she put me in short jammies and I said, "What is this? Baby pajamas?" I know that ice is frozen water and I told mom, "there's quite a collection of people here today " when we went to the park. I make mom laugh a lot.