We had our first meeting with Fearless Moms in Hendersonville last week, and at the end of the group they asked us to discuss some challenges that we're facing in motherhood right now. Most of the group discussed having trouble feeling burnt out, unsupported, or as though their husbands were not much more than glorified roommates. I get it. I am totally in survival mode.
I'm exhausted. I parent both kids alone from 6am-5pm then cook dinner and start getting Eli ready for bed. We usually start the bedtime process at 6 and finish putting them to bed at 8:30. Sometimes I rush to get errands done or go to the gym from 6-7. After that I usually do some work for the business, clean, and go to bed. Anias was waking up 3-4 times after midnight, but at the recommendation of our doctor we moved him to his crib so he could sleep better. Instead, he started rolling over and we had to stop swaddling him so he's really been struggling and wakes up every 20 minutes or so for hours until he finally passes out for 2 hours. I wake up and repeat.
We struggle to go on dates because Anias won't take a bottle and I'm still on call for him every 2.5 hours because of teething. For this same reason it's hard to meet up with my friends. Eli is potty training and he's so dang smart it kills me. This is the 4th time we've gone for it, and every time he withholds stool until he's sick so we've been letting him use a diaper when he tells us he needs to go even though we offer the potty as an option. Now though, he just tells us all. day. long. that he has to go so he can still wear a diaper. He is sassy and tells me to take him to school when he doesn't like me. He is constantly testing boundaries and laughing when I punish him.
I know this is all a phase. Someday Anias will sleep when not in my arms. Someday he'll sleep all night and will have all his little teeth. Someday I'll be back at work and then I won't even get the chance to parent until my work is over. Someday Anias will take a bottle, or not need me for nutrition at all. He already took 1 whole oz this week. Maybe one of these new bottles I ordered will work. Someday I won't have to clean the restroom every single day and I won't be changing diapers. Someday Eli will be out of this boundary testing phase, and hopefully we'll still have a relationship. I would rather him express his feelings with me, even in a messy way, than not speak to me at all. Maybe someday he'll see I'm just trying to keep him safe and raise him to be a thoughtful, kind, compassionate human being. I'm not wishing away these phases.
It makes me sad that Eli is 3 already. It actually makes me sad he wants to go to school! He's only 2 or 3 years away from being gone from me most of the time and if it goes as fast as these three years have gone I'm going to blink and he'll be gone. Three to four hours a week in daycare is enough for me. This is the first week since Anias was born he's been in it at all and now have him in it during church, during mom's group, and while I work out. Of course, he already picked up a nasty cold that resulted in a 100.4 fever. I still miss him when he's gone, no matter how ornery he's been that day, but he's suddenly become Mr Independent who has very little need for mama. I guess what makes this so difficult is that I am afraid he won't want a relationship with me as he grows. I love him so much I just want him to know I love him and I like him, but at the same time I have to be consistent in setting boundaries and he has to learn to be considerate of others. Right now that means learning to play quietly during Anias' nap times, or not sitting on my lap when Anias needs to feed even though I would love to snuggle him. I am trying my best to be patient, but it can be really hard when you are stretched so thin and you're so tired and for goodness sakes you already answered that question 435 times and the answer is still no.
This sounds like a whole lot of complaining and I don't mean it that way. I want to be genuine and I guess it's just nice to say to other people, "hey, me too". Life is full of good things and hard things. My life is so full of good things and I'm so blessed to be able to see them through these first years of their life. We're all healthy, mostly happy, and from what I can tell they're pretty great little people. I wouldn't trade it.
Anias: 19 Weeks
I had a growth spurt and moved up to 9 month old clothes! I love to grab things and put them in my mouth and I love to scratch different textures. I have been rolling from my back to my side, but nothing has been interesting enough to roll to the dreaded belly position.
Anias: 20 Weeks
I got my first tooth this week! It was my bottom right front tooth. I went to the doctor for my check up and weighed 15 lbs 10 oz. I was in the 91st percentile for height, the 83rd percentile for head circumference, and the 42nd percentile for weight. I rolled from my back to belly on the floor and slept in my crib for the first time too. I drank 1 whole oz from a bottle and I started rice cereal at the recommendation of my doctor. Next up is vegetables! I giggled for the first time from mom going "Boo!" I have laughed in small increments before that, but no full on giggles until then.
Eli:
Anias was crying so much I said, "What's that sound mama?" Mom told me it was Anias crying. I told her "he sounds like an alarm mama like this 'wee oo wee ooo'". I watched The Incredibles and afterward played Supers! I told mama I was super and wore a blanket cape. I told her "I fight the naughty guys! I gonna trap you in a cage!" I noticed mom's freckles and asked, "Do I have sprinkles too?" I proudly carriers around a $5 bill his Grandma Bees and Grandpa Joe got me for my birthday.
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